Live What You Know

Waking up is more than it seems. You KNOW more than you've ever been "taught"! You chose to be here now. Make yourTRUEself proud!

Category: Relationships

December 4, 2013

Our Family School of Compassion…Love IS Always The Answer

“The family is a school of compassion because it is here that we learn to live with other people.”  –Karen Armstrong

My sweet six-year-old boy has been stressed lately.  It has been noticeably escalating and it has been heavy on my heart.  To see his little shoulders up so high and tight and hear the sound of his voice so heavy with stress while responding to everyday things has been tearing at my soul.  He has been frustrated and easily irritated.  It has all been very out of character for this light in our lives.  I can remember how this phase of life is stressful…in between the cute tiny guy and the little kid with budding responsibilities and expectations, etc., so I was trying to accept it and go with the flow of it a bit.  I do believe firmly in guiding him towards his personal best though, so I am sure he has been hearing plenty from me about self-control, etc., along the way.  His stress wasn’t huge…just there…and taking my boy further and further away from the joy he so easily resided in before.  As I tried to be in the flow and avoid the fear of this being the new normal with him I kept it real with myself, knowing that I am the mother of our environment and I must be contributing to this in some way.

One night this week I found myself just about in tears from what felt was becoming a different relationship between he and I…we are very close and I just felt so sad about the new disconnection.  I just missed him so much and it felt like he was constantly on me about one thing or another…just kind of checking with me all the time saying “What is it Mom?” when I wasn’t even thinking anything and taking every move I made personally as if I had some serious issue with him.  It was like being under a microscope and it was dreadful.  I felt tight all over and not the best version of my mommy self as I tucked him in.  Tuck-in time was even different.  Ugh.

After getting him to bed, I shed a few tears to clear out my energy and bring myself back to the present moment…and, of course, made the connection.  All that I had been feeling from him must be exactly how he had been feeling from me.  Although I had been trying to help with his stress in various ways and at times just accepting it and going with the flow…I had been adding to it.  I just knew I could help ease his suffering and in the process ease mine…

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”  –Dalai Lama

To be honest, I didn’t give it much thought after that.  Answers like the one I needed don’t come from thoughts.  I went strictly with the heart on this one.  It was perfect.  He came into my room first the next morning, which is unusual around here…my daughter is the morning person.  He came first and alone.  I scooped him into my arms and without having planned it or rehearsed it or even thought about it in any way…I poured my heart out in just way he needed to hear it and could understand it.  While holding him tight, I told him…”Do you know that I have never ever been disappointed in you?  I have never been.  I have always been so very proud of you.  You are such an amazing person and you are just the best thing in the world to me.  You are my heart and I love you with everything I am.  I have never been disappointed by anything you have done and I just adore and appreciate you so very much.” …I went on to explain that I still need to be the mommy and help him make good choices, but I truly feel only joy and gratitude for all that he is to me.  I asked him if he knew the part about me never being disappointed in him…he said he didn’t.  It all made sense.

He’s been getting bigger and he is preparing for more expectations and responsibilities.  He was feeling that we were disappointed in him for the first time in his life.  What a terrible feeling.  That is what takes the joy and spark out of the kids…feeling that they disappoint.  It is hard to make the transition from baby to little kid.  Love and compassion are the only way.  Since we had that discussion he has been back…in a big way.  He immediately expanded and softened and all the stress came out of him.  His eyes have been sparkling, he has been giggling and going with the flow of life again.  Hurray!  When I tucked him in at the end of the night, I asked him his favorite part of the day, he said, “I just loved hugging Mommy.”  We had such a cuddly happy day and we were reconnected and back to ourselves.  We have a few days under our belts now and we’re better for the experience.

I know I never want to allow my kids to feel I am disappointed in them again.  I never was and he still felt it in some way.  It’s worth taking the time to tell the children that I’m not disappointed just to make sure they don’t take my mothering personally.  I know I must do everything I can to live in that space that isn’t reacting to life…that calm force in the kids lives that can make them feel safe, loved and connected no matter what comes our way.

Mommy Reality Check – Today my daughter, who has been the picture of happiness the whole time her brother was stressed showed signs of a big case of bad energy.  I felt the shift and realized that even though she loves us both dearly, it was hard for her to feel he and I so close again.  Some part of her thought she would lose something.  I did everything I could to connect with her and reassure her that she means the world to me just like him.  We discussed how we always want all of our team members in this family to feel their very best and having one of us stressed out in any way is bad for all of us, etc.  She tried, but her energy lagged here and there and required lots of talks.  Whew, motherhood is a major spiritual practice.  I am up for it and so very grateful for the gift that it is.  Sometimes I feel like I have been squeezed dry of all my energy, but I always replenish and get back to spreading love.

Love Story – when I shared the discussion my son and I had about me never being  disappointed in him with my husband that night, I saw tears in his eyes.  He was visibly touched for us both and his deep love and compassion showed.  We had a great talk about it, it was lovely.

“The dew of compassion is a tear.”  –Lord Byron

This family is a school of compassion.  All families are.  What a blessing!

Wishing you all love, compassion, joy, cuddles and a family full of team members that know they haven’t disappointed each other, ever.

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November 26, 2013

Help Others…Help Yourself

“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no person can sincerely help another without helping himself.”  — Ralph Waldo Emerson

“There is a mystical law of nature that says the three things we crave most in life — happiness, freedom, and peace of mind — are always attained by giving them to someone else.  Your true happiness comes from giving, not getting.  It’s the basic precept of all great religions: the Golden Rule.”  — John Wooden

We are so connected to each other.  When you help someone, you expand and feel more of yourself through that connection.  You sense more of your true self, the one that is timeless and connected to everyone and everything…your soul.  Helping others takes the focus off our own stuff and allows us to break down a false sense of separation from everything.  It is easy to go around feeling separate from the world, but that isn’t real.  We are part of it all and with it all.  We connect deeply to all the little things around us…those we can see and those we cannot see.  The more we can feel those connections, the more we can see them.

The ego seeks to divide and separate.  Spirit seeks to unify and heal. –A Course In Miracles

We want to help others from spirit, not ego.  The ego loves to see others “in need” and itself as the “helper”…what we’re talking about here isn’t that kind of help.  We’re talking about the kind of help that unifies, not the kind that separates.

There are big ways to help others.  We can seek them out and give our time, talents, energies and resources to them when we are able.  It is important to build in time for giving back and we get so much in return.  But, there are also lots of little ways we can help others on a regular basis:

  • Listening — People love your full attention.  Simply giving it to them can help in so many ways.  Your fullest attention to show the other that they are important to you in that moment can heal them and nurture them in many ways.  This is for our closest loved ones and anyone we come into contact with throughout our days.  Wherever you’re at…that is the perfect place to truly listen to everyone and everything around you.  It is a gift for others as well as yourself.
  • Eye Contact — This may sound silly, but it is important.  There is something magical behind the eyes.  We don’t want to be creepy about it and stare too long, but we must honor each other by really looking each other in the eye. There are so many distractions these days that it is easy to keep a wall up.  Having that wall up is deadening…it feeds the feeling of separation and creates suffering.  Looking into the eyes of others is like a window to the soul.
  • Smiling — A true smile feels so good for your heart.  Do it right now.  Stop reading this and smile your truest deepest smile.  Your heart tingles and the connection of it is obvious.  Now, imagine spreading that tingle and true form of loving energy wherever you go.  You can.  Years ago I was walking into a Costco with the kids and two older gentlemen were heading towards us.  I smiled and greeted them as we passed each other.  As they went on I heard one say to the other, “Wow, there is nothing like a woman’s smile.”  I was rather surprised at the time.  Now I understand it a bit more and I know what smiles are…true smiles (not the fake ones) from anyone are soul nurturing.  Spread the smiles — nurture souls!
  • Sharing Your Spirit — I have a few close loved ones that allow me to share my spirit.  I also share it here on Live What You Know.  My deepest and truest intention and desire when sharing my spirit is always to help others become more of themselves and make great choices as they know more and live more.  I can feel how uplifting it is for my spirit when I have touched the stillness and allowed the expression of my spirit to flow through me.  I feel so much better when I have quieted the personality and all it’s noise and truly touched the spirit.  Those close loved ones I mentioned that allow me to listen to their deepest feelings and concerns about their life situations are such a gift.  In listening to them, understanding their journey and responding from a deeper place, I get the gift of spirit flowing through me.  If I have truly done it and they can hear it, it is such a miraculous gift.  To have spirits share in this way is what connection is all about.
  • Being With — Things change and evolve, lifetimes go through a natural expansion and contraction.  Everyone is in a different stage of life and viewing life through their own perceptions.  Knowing this and accepting the impermanence of all things, we can give more focus to truly being with each other wherever we are at.  If we can stop expecting our loved ones to behave in certain ways, we can be with them exactly where they are at.  We can be the place of love that allows them to feel loved and accepted as they are.  If we can stop expecting things in general, then life can open up and bless us in miraculous ways.

Personal note — I am so grateful for this space to share my spirit.  As I wrote this, I had some realizations of my own and I can see ways I can focus my actions towards these points even more.  I am grateful that my spirit always has messages for me too!  It’s always possible to live what you know a little bit better.  Now is always the time because it is the only time that ever is.

Wishing you blessed opportunities to help others and feel the lift in spirit as it helps you in return.  Sending you love and joy!

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October 18, 2013

Make Your Weekend Last Longer and Have More Joy – With Timeless Presence

This post is one of my favorites.  When I originally posted it, my little family had a magnificently present weekend.  This weekend is a celebratory one at our house, so I wanted to re-read it myself and send it out in love to bless your weekend as well.  Share it with your loved ones to bless their weekend too!  Wishing you the ability to dwell in the joy found in presence!  Happy everything!

“The ego’s greatest enemy is the present moment, which is to say,
life itself.”  –Eckhart Tolle

We can all agree that it would be wonderful to have the weekends last longer.  Lets try it this weekend.  It is a good idea (or the most important thing in life…depending on how you look at it) to practice living in the moment whenever you can.  We all hear the buzz on it and try to do it at whatever stage in our journey we are at, maybe we can kick it up a notch this weekend.  Practicing presence can take the time out of the weekend and make it last so much longer.   It can bring more joy and peace to us and bless everyone and everything around us.

Ego work is required for true growth.  You can’t battle your ego, it will just grow with the extra attention and even if you do seem to win for a bit, it sneaks in the backdoor and grows itself by assuming the new identity of the one with the smallest ego and the most presence.  I want to use Live What You Know to share and try little ways of chipping away at the ego.  I believe that you can shrink your ego simply by turning the other way – towards love.  This weekend, lets turn completely towards the greatest enemy of the ego – the present moment.  In doing so, we will access Love and Life.  Everything will feel better and time will cease to exist, hence a longer weekend.  I know that true presence doesn’t know it’s the weekend…but, since our thinking mind does love a weekend, lets just give it a try!  Yay!

Wherever you are in your path of discovery, you can always improve your ability to access stillness in the present moment.  You may be simply noticing the silence between the words in a conversation or adding a breath before you speak or you may be meditating for two hours every morning.  We are all at the perfect place in our journey!  I am not an expert on these things but I have been profoundly interested in adding more present moment awareness since I heard about it seven years ago.  I have read and heard many of the experts and masters on the subject and I want to share their wisdom in little doses here whenever I can, both for bringing more peace and joy to others and also to keep myself in the spirit of growth and presence.

Knowing this stuff because I read it and heard it from the masters and living it are, of course, two different things, hence the whole Live What You Know focus.  To practice truly living what I know about presence this weekend, here are some helpful little tips I would give myself (and you if you’re open to the idea):

  • Meditate first thing in the morning – whatever skill level you are at, even one minute to touch stillness to feel what it is like to return to it throughout the day.
  • Pray – set your intention for presence and awareness, ask for help to stay in that vibration and truly experience each moment in awareness rather than mind activity.
  • Listen – use listening for a presence practice. Truly listen whenever anyone is speaking.  You can keep a present energy in the background and feel that while you listen, let any thoughts that try to creep in just float by.  Don’t think about what you are going to say next, just listen without thinking and still feel some presence.  Don’t give all your presence away while listening, just enough to listen well and stay present.  Great practice – changes how you experience yourself and others…and everything.
  • Breath – add more breath all the time.  It’s not really adding breath, because you’re already breathing, its noticing your breath.  Noticing one breath before you speak can take you from reactionary living to present living.  It is a great practice to remain present and be.  Reactions are not present, they do not have the power of presence behind them.  Reactions to what others say and do give your power of presence away.  One breath to bring you to presence before reacting or speaking can change everything.  It’s a great way to take the ego out of your interactions.
  • Joyful Living – get all the way into the moment and find the joy there.  It is there!  I promise.  Even if it’s tying your kids shoe or doing the dishes, there is something to enjoy.  You can look your kid right in the eye and get a giggle and a connection as you tie their shoes or you can appreciate the way the water feels on your hands and the sunlight comes in the window as you do the dishes.  Whatever you do, the joy is there somewhere.  Isn’t it awesome that it was designed this way.  Do the joy experiment all weekend, you’ll find it.
  • Doing Meditations – You can turn anything into a meditation.  You just pick what it is and practice staying completely present the whole time.  It may be sorting the laundry, vacuuming the living room or brewing a cup of tea.  It may be a walk or writing a poem.  You truly can turn anything you do into a meditation.  Let any thoughts float by, you are the sky and the thoughts are the clouds – they pass.  Don’t jump on any of the clouds (thoughts), don’t resist them either, just watch them float by and your peace of mind increase.  This is also a great way to start watching your thoughts without being attached to them – they’re just thoughts…only the power you give them or don’t give them makes them what they are.
  • No waiting – waiting is awful.  If you find yourself in the situation where it seems like you’re waiting for something – a long line or the time for your next event, etc., just don’t do it.  BE instead of waiting.  Enjoy the present moment and realize the perfection in it as it is.  Realize that you do not need to add anything to it and life will not start once you are done waiting.  Life is already happening, waiting takes you out of it.  Not waiting is a great practice, you can focus on the breath or smile or just be and observe without adding a bunch of thoughts to it.  Waiting gives time so much power and takes you right out of the present.
  • Try something new – get into the unfamiliar.  It brings a heightened focus to what you’re doing and takes you out of the thinking mind.  Even if you just cook a new recipe that challenges you or take a walk on a new path, anything that is new and unfamiliar will bring more presence.  Simple excitements in the little things are the best!
  • Create – write, draw, color a picture, anything creative.  Releasing your creative energy and making something in presence is like offering a prayer.  The still place inside you is incredibly creative, touch it and be with it and see what happens.  Even just looking up how to draw something on the computer and following along can be a great experience if you’re not super confident in your artistic abilities.  Just make something, even a fabulous meal is a creative endeavor.  Touch the joy of creating!
  • Look without labeling – practice looking at the world around you without the lens of judgement.  Try to let go of labeling good or bad or even naming everything.  Even on a drive in the car, just be with all the things you see going by, you can experience the world in a whole new way without labeling what you see.  You can gain a lot of energy too because all the labeling we do is exhausting, just being and seeing without labeling can be a really comforting feeling and can bring us to a heightened sense of awareness and presence.
  • Embrace the uncomfortable – don’t turn away from feeling uncomfortable.  Often we feel a little uncomfortable and we cover it up quickly with one distraction after another.  Don’t resist the uncomfortable feeling, sit with it a minute in silence and watch it transform into joy!  It will!  The joy is in the stillness!
  • Smile – I love the simple practice of smiling.  When you truly feel your genuine smile, it does something to your heart.  You feel it deep in your heart and it changes how  you see everything.  Smile a lot and smile at everyone and everything!

Okay, that is my incomplete list of some tips that may help us have more joy and presence this weekend.  We may be able to have an ego-free weekend if we are doing all of this stuff.  Wouldn’t that be lovely!  Remember, presence isn’t something we can get better at later or when we’re more evolved.  The only time to get better at presence is NOW.  Flexing this skill and embracing these ideas can only have positive implications for the effects on our weekdays!  But, we will deal with that in that moment.

I just have to take a moment to thank you for reading this!  I am so very grateful for this platform and opportunity to share myself and encourage myself and others in this way.  I am just getting started and I can already feel the difference in my life!  I am so very grateful to you for taking the time to read my words from the heart…it is my true to desire to help us all live with more peace and joy!  I am also profoundly grateful for connecting with others who find these topics meaningful!  Thank you!

I send this with so much love!  I think I will read it several times this weekend to help me stay in the moment too!  I hope it helps you find more peace, joy and love!

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October 1, 2013

The Wisdom, Kindness and Courage To Celebrate The Joy and Success of Others

When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter.
As you see him you will see yourself.
As you treat him you will treat yourself.
As you think of him you will think of yourself.
Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself
or lose yourself.
–A Course In Miracles

As I learn and grow I marvel at just how connected we are to each other.  It really is amazing and awe-inspiring to try to grasp just what truly connects us and to what extent we are connected.

This week I have been feeling so very grateful for that fact and at the same time a bit sad from the longing it creates in my soul.  As you realize this truth and try to go about your business in this world it can sometimes feel difficult to function in environments that just don’t seem to understand what we’re looking at when we see each other and what is happening when we judge or compete with each other.  It can feel so brutal to see the many ways we create the illusion of separation.

I no longer feel sadness for me when I know someone doesn’t want to hear good news or share in my joy, I feel sad for them and I long to reach them and show them the beauty of celebrating each other.  I want to help people connect to the world around them and everything in it in a more meaningful way.  I think this desire came naturally from wanting to connect to it more myself.  You figure out that you cannot walk that path alone…we must go together.  How we choose to see, think of, feel about and treat each other is how we choose to live and how we choose to be with ourselves.

I know the answer is always love and I must give to the world that which I feel it is lacking.  I want to celebrate everyone and truly care about their joy and well-being.  I know deeply that I share in any success or joy anyone may experience.  I will choose to see the good that is in all of us and to be the space for others that allows them to feel it and see it in themselves too.  I will choose not to recognize what judging or competing looks like, I will simply be the space that welcomes joy and love and comforts others.  I will see the connection we have even when others can’t see it…maybe my seeing it will help them see it too.

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”
–Henry David Thoreau

Having this space to connect with followers, visitors and fellow bloggers comforts me so much and helps with the longing of my soul to feel the connection we all share.  For that, I thank each and every one of you so very much!  I am truly grateful!

Wishing us all the wisdom, kindness and courage to celebrate the joy and success of others today and always!  I pray I may live what I know today!  Sending you love!

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September 24, 2013

Nurturing The Souls Around You…Including Your Own

Daisies
by Bliss Carman (1861-1929)

Over the shoulders and slopes of the dune
I saw the white daisies go down to the sea,
A host in the sunshine, an army in June,
The people God sends us to set our heart free.

The bobolinks rallied them up from the dell,
The orioles whistled them out of the wood;
And all of their singing was, “Earth, it is well!”
And all of their dancing was, “Life, thou art good!”

These days I know the importance of understanding that our peace comes from within.  We cannot depend on what is going on around us to bring us the peace, love and connection to life that we seek.  We must find it within.  Having said that, I am learning that even though it is up to us to find it within, it is still important to acknowledge and understand how the souls around us are there participating in our soul journey as well.  There is a oneness that is happening around us.  We each have our individual soul and that individual soul is also part of the one soul.  We have so much power within and we also connect to the souls around us at the same time.

The people around us are there for a reason.  Those closest to us that are sharing their lives with us and that we have chosen to share our lives with are there to be cherished.  With how busy our lives have become and how many things we have coming at us at once, it is important to remember to make soul care a priority.  It is so healing to shift the focus to really building each other up and nurturing our souls.  When we nurture the souls of our loved ones, we nurture our own.  Sometimes it takes a shift.  Life is busy and routines can set in.  Taking the time to really show our loved ones how much we value them is good for them and good for us at the same time.

Sometimes, being a good spiritual partner means letting the other person work things out and grow through things on their own.  Sometimes, being a good spiritual partner means being that soft comforting place and providing extra love and attention.  Always, being a true spiritual partner means balancing the two.  And, of course, love is always the answer.

Love those around you a little bit extra today and always.  Let them love you back a little bit extra…even as you grow.  Ask for what you need and give what you most want.

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September 17, 2013

The Gift of Authenticity

Years ago I had what seemed at the time like a close friend.  We were spending a lot of time together in group settings and with our children and alone on occasion.  The thing was, you never knew what you were going to get with her.  Sometimes she was lovely and great company, sometimes she was rowdy and a lot of fun, sometimes she was down right rude and hard to get along with, sometimes she seemed to have a wall up to create distance and make herself appear to be something (I’m still not sure what it was).  One day when we were together, she was having a bad day and really let her guard down and spoke from her heart.  I got to see this open and genuine side to her.  It was a bit of a relief and very refreshing.  I can’t remember exactly how I worded it, but I told her on the spot how much I liked her when she was just really being honest and open and sharing how she was really feeling that day.  She quickly responded, saying “Well, it’s not practical for me to come with my ‘woe is me’ story every day.”  She quickly returned to her somewhat closed up protective persona.

I let this friendship slip away.  That wouldn’t happen today.  That friendship taught me a lot throughout the years.  I now know that you can only see in others what you have in yourself.  Even as I recalled my experience of her above, it didn’t seem real anymore.  I think I would now experience her in a completely different way.  I was choosing to experience her in that limited way.  I was not as far along on my own path of finding my authentic self.  Perhaps when we aren’t there authentically, we can’t feel others authenticity either and we don’t offer a space that welcomes it.

I used to think I was too open.  I would sometimes regret having shared too much with someone and have that sick feeling of regret.  I would then try to tell myself I wouldn’t share so much next time and that I would learn from that feeling…only to have it happen again soon.  I haven’t had that in a long time.  I didn’t become less open, I just found my way to more authenticity.  For that, I am truly grateful!  Recently someone meaning well and trying to give me helpful advice relating to my children’s activities told me to “keep my distance” with a particular group.  She had compelling reasons and was really trying to help me navigate a situation for my children.  Her advice seemed reasonable and she had much more experience in this arena than me…for a minute I thought I might be able to do what she was suggesting.  It didn’t work.  I figured out very quickly that I am just not a “keep your distance” kind of person.  If I am there, I am open.  For me to try to create distance would stop the flow of life and I want to experience that flow and whatever it may bring.  When you are completely authentic and present (or at least as present as you are able to be), the interaction will be what it is meant to be and the fear of over-sharing can drop away.

Authenticity comes slowly over time (like most wondrous gifts).  Without knowing it, I have been working at it for years.  As a child, I was so afraid of everything.  Even butterflies.  I made many choices out of fear of what others might think or to do what I thought I was supposed to do.  It is remarkable how little what I really wanted or felt meant to me.  I think it is sad to spend time walking around with masks on trying to protect ourselves from something…but really, just keeping ourselves from living.  I want everyone to know how amazing it feels to truly stand in your own authenticity.  It is such a relief to ourselves and to others who spend time with us.  It allows us to make brave choices that align with our purpose and to truly grab hold of this life and live it.

It is a beautiful thing to be so “you” everywhere you go.  Sometimes I am shocked at how different it feels these days to be authentically me.  Sometimes the things that bring me the most joy surprise me so.  Many things have changed slowly over time and I have found the authentic me to be much more than I thought as I have learned to chart my own course and make authentic choices for my life.  Whatever it is, whatever I am feeling, I am it…no pretense, no people pleasing, no mask…just me.  Sometimes I have it together and spread love and joy.  Sometimes I am a mess and it shows.  Whatever it is, it is authentic.  When it is a mess, it doesn’t last long…authenticity has a way of bringing us back to the only thing that truly exists…love.  It sort of wipes all the fake stuff out-of-the-way and brings more space for love.

We know in our hearts how important authenticity is.  We must work to find it and know it so well we live from that space in every choice, action, thought or word.  Once we can live in this way, we can work to expand it and watch it grow us into our true nature.  The Universe is authentic, it will meet us in that space and we will see our connectedness to everything and how we see the world will be transformed.

Sending you love and wishing you authenticity in everything you do and a reciprocal flow from everyone you meet!

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September 13, 2013

Smile!

smileWishing  you a wonderful weekend full of smiles!

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August 30, 2013

The Way It Is

Love is always the answer.  No matter what.

Whatever you’re doing, if it doesn’t feel good, it’s not working.

Love is available to access in every single moment.

 

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August 29, 2013

The “Sweet Little One” Inside Me… and You

I can remember a time during childhood (well, it lasted a long while) when my mom would say to me after some silly choice, bad decision or rude interaction, “What happened to sweet little Stacy?”  I heard this for a long time whenever I kind of got out of line or needed some parenting I suppose.  In the beginning this question really upset me and made me feel like I wasn’t a nice person.  Over time it haunted me even more and I began to ponder it myself.  Had I quit being sweet?  Was I a bad person?  During adolescence I distinctly remember her asking this question again and I had this fury inside where I screamed, “She NEVER existed, all I have ever heard is ‘where is she?’, she was never here, it’s just me, quit asking.”  (I don’t think I had the courage to say it aloud to her, I think I imagined I did, but didn’t…I probably played that scene in my head over and over, I’m really not sure if I ever discussed it with her).

Now I am the mom to an eight-year-old daughter.  I sometimes wonder what has happened to her.  I wonder where my sweet baby has gone.  That is how I became reminded of the question about “sweet little Stacy” above.  I am truly grateful I had the experience of thinking about who I was.  I am so glad my mother asked this of me and especially now, at this point in life, I am truly grateful my mom continued to direct that question to me.  I can go really deep with this question now and I am thrilled with the answer.  I almost feel like picking up the phone to call my mother and tell her that I found her after all these years…I have found Sweet Little Stacy.  She is there in me and she is in you too!  I will explain…

First, let me say, my daughter is amazing.  She is so many wonderful things…too many to list here.  Because I am her mom, I also see another side to her.  The mom gets to see it all.  I can see she is growing and changing.  Because of all the reading about spiritual things I do, I can see that the ego is trying to take hold and her identity is changing.  I can see when it happens and I am also painfully aware that I am the one she is most comfortable lashing out at.  She is so kind in her heart…its just me she will melt down with and show another side to, growing up is tough.  I have heard myself say to her so many times, “you would never treat anyone else that way, only me.”  Sounds a lot like the question my own mother had of me.  I am sure I have said even worse to her in tough moments (forgive me sweet girl).  This parenting stuff is not easy.  When I can lean back and look at things I can see what is happening and not take it personally.  Other times, it hurts so bad.

It’s tough to juggle knowing if we’re parenting or judging.  I have been thinking about this recently and trying to watch it with her.  I don’t want to judge her or make her into me.  I want to help her be the best version of herself.  I want to honor her growing and help her learn to make good choices.  If she feels judged by me, she won’t be able to feel my love, she will turn towards her fear instead.  Oh, how I want to be the mother that doesn’t judge.  I am so trying to figure out how to parent well without judging.

Recently, she lashed out at me because she was struggling learning something.  Often, when something seems hard, her fear brings out the worst.  Understandable.  Anyway, like I said, I struggle with allowing her to be herself and still guide her towards making good choices.  After appealing to her with explanations of kindness, etc., she just kept pushing, I allowed her actions to hit my buttons and I decided she needed a break and told her she would be in timeout.  In fact, I gave her a double timeout.  This would mean 16 minutes to think about her actions.  As she stormed down the stairs in anger, I had a change of heart.  I sent her brother to tell her that mom had changed her mind, this gave me a minute to breathe and pause and choose well (that non-reactionary living I am striving for).  When she returned to me, I said to her, “You get to choose who you want to be.”  That was all I said, she returned to her work.

Within a few minutes, she came to me and gave me a sweet kiss and hug and apologized.  She had found her “sweet” and turned towards love.  I knew she could do it!  We talk to the kids so much about character and our choices.  We explain that your choices make who you are.  We have so many ways of explaining it to the best of our ability.  I also believe that people treat you how you let them treat you and I don’t want to raise kids that are rude and disrespectful to their mother.  Not just for me, but I know they won’t feel good about themselves if they choose that.  Allowing my sweet daughter the space to find who she wants to be on her own with just the right amount of guidance and a big dash of modeling my own good choices seems to be the recipe.  For now.

I am going to continue pondering parenting without judging.  I think it’s worth the effort to try.  As I embrace the freedom from being right or wrong, I do want to impart some of this concept to the kids.  It is tough because they so badly want to be right…all the time.  I told them recently that I really don’t want to parent every single little thing and be right and make them wrong…but what I do want to do is parent for peace.  I explained that even when they are corrected or get in trouble, they really haven’t done anything wrong, but we must try to work towards creating more peace and harmony.  If we’re behaving in a way that creates more peace and harmony, then there won’t be much chance of getting into trouble.  As we discussed this more and exactly what harmony means…we were turned to look outside at nature and observe the perfect harmony all around us.  I love how the answers are always there in the perfection of nature.

Mom – THANK YOU so much for guiding me towards finding “Sweet Little Stacy” – slowly over time I am finding her in the essence of my true nature.  What a gift it is to know she does exist and she is there in the purest form in me just as she is in everyone else.

Wishing you all a quiet moments with the Sweet Little One inside you.  Joy!

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August 27, 2013

Seeing The Unfamiliar In The MOST Familiar Things

It is a shame how familiar we become with so much of our lives.  It would seem that we would find comfort in the familiar…that is not the case.  We completely check out and become numb to what is happening around us.  We can’t see the people or places around us that have become too familiar, we see it all through a veil of our past observations, images and experiences.  With the MOST familiar people and places in our lives it can do the most damage.  We can be completely missing what is right in front of us…the very thing we love the most, we sometimes give our attention to the least.  Learning about this concept from John O’Donohue in Anam Cara, A Book of Celtic Wisdom was a gift in my life.  The gift of seeing the unfamiliar in the most familiar things can wake us up to life.  Life takes on a whole new energy when you can really do this.  I have had experiences where I felt as if I snapped into attention and really saw my child’s face for the first time in too long.  Children’s ability to notice this right away is really something to behold.  I cherish those moments when I was really looking at them with unfamiliar eyes.  I have also been thrilled to look at my husband and see him as if we were just getting to know each other; it’s so fun to experience the excitement of the early dating days…it just takes a little shift in attention.  It takes practice to dwell in this for any length of time, but it is so worth trying to improve at it…life changing when we can do it.

Seeing the unfamiliar in the most familiar things doesn’t mean trying something new to wake you up.  It is quite the opposite.  It means really watching where you put your attention and what conditioned responses are running in your head.  It takes watching your thoughts and not identifying with them.  It takes letting those thoughts pass by so that you can create new and fresh ones that are found in the unfamiliar or the fresh moment.  The truth is that no one is ever exactly the same as the last time you met them.  I know for sure I am not.  Sometimes I could just cringe at running into someone I knew well ten years or so ago…I think, oh my gosh they know me from two lifetimes ago… Even when we see people once a week, they are never the exact same person they were the last time you saw them.  Allow this freshness to be there and try to see them fresh in the moment.  With our MOST familiar people and places it takes the most heightened focus, but what it can do for those relationships and experiences is miraculous.  Seeing only the familiar takes all the excitement out of life.  Dare to see those closest and most familiar to you in new and unfamiliar ways.

I realized with my own children recently that I am the MOST familiar thing in their lives.  I am the thing they have been the most familiar with for the entirety of their lives.  I used to wonder why they would say and do things to me that they would never dream of doing to someone else.  I struggled with why they save their exquisite manners and politeness for everyone else.  It finally dawned on me that I am the MOST familiar thing to them and they are also the MOST familiar thing to me.  We could spend our entire day responding to our ideas and images of each other rather than actually seeing and experiencing each other fresh in the unfamiliar.  I want to really stop and listen to them and see the new expressions that cross their faces and the new things they are excited about.  Just because I am so very familiar with them and so involved in everything they do doesn’t mean I am really seeing the unfamiliar and allowing myself to look at them with fresh eyes to spot new changes and truly hear what is important to them.  It is something I have to practice, especially if I want them to do that for me.  It is a terrible feeling as a mom to feel like you repeat yourself a million times and no one is listening.  Argh.  I think I have stumbled into a great truth.  If I want them to look at me with fresh eyes and see me, then I must do that for them.  This is true for the MOST familiar people and places as well as everyone and everything else too.

Wishing you the profound joy and fresh aliveness that comes with experiencing the unfamiliar in the MOST familiar things.

Below is one of my favorite passages from Anam Cara, A Book of Celtic Wisdom, by John O’Donohue.  What a gift!

Behind the facade of our normal lives eternal destiny is shaping our days and our ways.  The awakening of the human spirit is a homecoming.  Yet ironically our sense of familiarity often militates against our homecoming.  When we are familiar with something, we lose the energy, edge, and excitement of it.  Hegel said, “Das Bekannte uberhaupt ist darum, weil es bekannt ist, nicht erkannt”– that is, “Generally, the familiar, precisely because it is familiar, is not known.”  This is a powerful sentence.  Behind the facade of the familiar, strange things await us.  This is true of our homes, the place where we live, and, indeed, of those with whom we live.  Friendships and relationships suffer immense numbing through the mechanism of familiarization.  We reduce the wildness and mystery of person and landscape to the external, familiar image.  Yet the familiar is merely a facade.  Familiarity enables us to tame, control, and ultimately forget the mystery.  We make our peace with the surface as image and we stay away from the Otherness and fecund turbulence of the unknown that it masks.  Familiarity is one of the most subtle and pervasive forms of human alienation.

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